Battlecast presented by Meltdown Comics

Have you ever found something on the internet that's so hypnotic and wonderful that you immediately fall in love with it and can't help but digest every single episode of it? No, dummy. We're not talking about Battlecast. We're talking about the Primitive Technology Channel. Go watch it. Also Andy is battling as the guy who runs it. He's frighting... erm, fighting against James as Stephen King's IT aka Pennywise.

These two unlikely enemies discover the whimsical world of The Princess Bride. But mostly just the Fire Swamps.

Never go in against a Battlecast... when DEATH is on the line!

Warning: Dan was not meant for stand-up

<3 <3 <3 Thanks for listening, thanks for telling a friend, thanks for rating us on iTunes, and thanks for being the winner of a Vanilla Ice lookalike contest <3 <3 <3

Direct download: V02E10_The_Primitive_Technology_Channel_Guy_vs_IT.mp3
Category:Battlecast -- posted at: 3:59am PDT

Unlike certain Republican presidential nominees, the Battle Boys are distinctly prosogynistic. To prove it, we welcome two females that sort of tolerate us. It's Mrs. Anneke "Married to Dirk" Stenger and Ms. Cora "Cora" Cora.

They'll judicate the battle that takes place in Lichfield Prison from Orange is the New Black between two characters that we're just shocked have never come up before. It's Dirk as peppy British speed demoness, Tracer vs Dan as the Lord of Portals and being locked in a lab with robots that sing about cake, Chell. My god the Portal games are fun.

The Battlecast is a lie.

Warning: Pancakes for breakfast.

<3 <3 <3 Thanks for listening, thanks for telling a friend, thanks for rating us on iTunes, and thanks for being anyone but Piper <3 <3 <3

Direct download: V02E09_Tracer_vs_Chell.mp3
Category:Battlecast -- posted at: 5:49am PDT

You thought, hoped, and the religious among you prayed that Lady Gaga was never to be used on the show again. If you needed more proof that we live in a cruel, godless world, I give you exhibit G: this god damn episode. It's James as Lady Gaga going bangs to sweaty forehead with Drik as Marvel's bulletproof Netflix star, Luke Cage.

Oh and probably much more importantly, the mystery guest that was previously accused of some pretty heinous groping is here to tell his side of the story.

Can't hear my, can't hear my, no you can't hear my b-b-b-Battlecast.

Warning: Battlecast sans-Dan is the best. Lol.

<3 <3 <3 Thanks for listening, thanks for telling a friend, thanks for rating us on iTunes, and thanks for being a split jury that just wants to go home and eat bagel bites in their underwear <3 <3 <3

Direct download: V02E08_Lady_Gaga_vs_Luke_Cage.mp3
Category:Battlecast -- posted at: 4:34am PDT

BREAKING NEWS: Andy has been replaced on the show by Eric Baudour from Mega 64 so we're going to completely overhaul the show to be entirely about pro wrestling and devastatingly horrible internet videos. You're welcome.

Before the format changes though, we'll do a battle or something. It's Eric as the machoest man there ever was, Randy Savage. Dan's going with a hero of the only real wrestling there is. Cros wrestling. Steve Irwin. Neither one of them will be up to business as usual though because it's going down in the zombie infested mall from Dead Rising.

C'mon don't be scurred, you runnin' from Battlecast, that's what I heard.

Warning: Prepare the ear bleach.

<3 <3 <3 Thanks for listening, thanks for telling a friend, thanks for rating us on iTunes, and thanks for being a fortune cookie that reads "Ooooooh yeah!" <3 <3 <3

Direct download: V02E07_Steve_Irwin_vs_Macho_Man.mp3
Category:Battlecast -- posted at: 7:45am PDT

Welcome friend of the show and coffee connoisseur and generally responsible adult, Elijah Elliot!

He's sitting in for ol' new-job-James this week as Brad Pitt's fast talking pikey from Snatch, Mickey O'Niell. Andy loves winning so he picked a character he was positive he'd win with. The best part of the last two X-Men movies, Quicksilver. Let's take these fellers deep under the sea to a lab. Sealab. 2021.

But oh I ain't evah seen a Battlecast fly.

Warning: Real Talk as fugh.

<3 <3 <3 Thanks for listening, thanks for telling a friend, thanks for rating us on iTunes, and thanks for being a shiny and more noticeable cold sore. <3 <3 <3

Direct download: V02E06_Quicksilver_vs_Mickey_ONeill.mp3
Category:Battlecast -- posted at: 4:35am PDT

Cartoon v Cartoon you say? Let's F'in' do this. It's ginger boy genius Dexter (Dirk) going head to spatula against punny burgerman, Bob Belcher (Dan). Hopefully you're well versed on your 1980s Colombian cocaine history, because this episode takes place in the setting of Narcos.

Battlecast kills bugs dead.

Warning: YOLOIAL

<3 <3 <3 Thanks for listening, thanks for telling a friend, thanks for rating us on iTunes, and thanks for being a petri dish full of tardigrades. <3 <3 <3

Direct download: V02E05_Dexter_vs_Bob_Belcher.mp3
Category:Battlecast -- posted at: 4:30pm PDT

*Trumpets and such* We are joined today by comedian/actor/bumble BFF of the show, Nick Rutherford!

Nick'll be battling this week as the peace-loving paintnik, Bob Ross. Let's see how he fares against the augmented cyber-bro Adam Jensen from Deus Ex. And heck! Why not put these two in the infamous Trump Tower in Las Vegas. Booyagggh.

If you get a Battlecast that lasts over four hours, seek immediate medical attention.

Warning: It's ok to smile when sad stuff happens.

<3 <3 <3 Thanks for listening, thanks for telling a friend, thanks for rating us on iTunes, and thanks for being a benevolent HVAC technician. <3 <3 <3

Direct download: V02E04_Adam_Jensen_vs_Bob_Ross.mp3
Category:Battlecast -- posted at: 5:40am PDT

Welcome to another super duper out of control exciting edition of Battlecast presented by the super duper out of control awesome Meltdown Comics! We warned you to watch Stranger Things like a million times so hopefully you did that because (Dan) picked the electrokinetic wunderkind Elle/11 from Stranger Things as his character for this week. Dirk's been playing a lot of No Man's Sky so he went with the mysterious explorer and protagonist, The Traveler. James's ceremonial wheel spin landed us in the store from Sausage Party. Dope. Your mom should have taught you this, but always wipe from front to Battlecast. Warning: EVERY SPOILER EVER. You've been warned. <3 <3 <3 Thanks for listening, thanks for telling a friend, thanks for rating us on iTunes, and thanks for being a drunk Tijuana stupor. <3 <3 <3
Direct download: V02E03_11_vs_The_Traveler.mp3
Category:general -- posted at: 9:51pm PDT

There's a glitch in the mainframe of the internet that is allowing us to stay on Meltdown's network and also causes some of the gyms in Pokemon Go to turn yellow. We have our top scientists looking into it.

In the meantime: frazzled Magic School Bus pilot and damn fine lecturer, Ms. Frizzle (Andy) goes head to head against morphine addicted super-hacker, Mr. Robot (James). Hmm if only there was a place that brought nature and technology together in which they could fight... OH YEAH, hardcore survival game and winner of the coveted "This Shit's Been in Alpha for Longer than Computers Existed" award, RUST.

It puts the Battlecast on the skin, or else it gets the hose again.

Warning: Everything you wanted to know about video games but were afraid to ask.

<3 <3 <3 Thanks for listening, thanks for telling a friend, thanks for rating us on iTunes, and thanks for being a girl that called us ugly on OK Cupid. <3 <3 <3

Direct download: V02E02_Ms_Frizzle_vs_Mr_Robot.mp3
Category:Battlecast -- posted at: 4:24am PDT

Volume 2 of Battlecast is upon us! Complete with a fancy new presenter, Meltdown Comics and fancy new lead vocals by Jon Bailey! Wooo!

Today's battle takes place in the totally-not-being-judged-by-anyone Rio Olympics between insane lady badass, Harley Quinn (James) and neurotic horsey jackass, Bojack Horseman (Dan).

Things heat up on the track and then cool down in the toxic green swimming pool. We don't recommend listening with headphone as close contact with this content may transmit Zika virus directly into your brain canal. Sorry.

Warning: Immediately gross as always.

<3 <3 <3 Thanks for listening, thanks for telling a friend, thanks for rating us on iTunes, and thanks for being a chain-smoking debutante. <3 <3 <3

Direct download: S10E01_Harley_Quinn_vs_Bojack_Horsemans.mp3
Category:Battlecast -- posted at: 2:49am PDT