"OHHHH NOOOOO JAMES ISN'T THERE!? THAT SUUUUUCKS!!!11" said no one ever. JK we love James. Almost as much as when he isn't there. Burrrrrn. But in all seriousness, Battlecast. Lol right?

Dan picks one of his favorite characters evvvvvver and the protagonist of one of the bombest trilogies of Australian New Wave cinema to date, Mad Max (Dan). Dirk is sitting in for James in his absence and picks a character James is sure to hate, Jon Snow (Dirk). Who cares though because Jon Snow is the bomb ass dank ass gangster level boom boom. Oh yeah, and it allll goes down at Elon Musk's Tesla Gigafactory.

Don't forget to charge the batteries, Battlecast really drains the juice.

Warning: THE AUDIO IS ALL F'ED UP AT THE END WE'RE SORRY SORRY SOZ

<3 <3 <3 Thanks for listening, thanks for telling a friend, thanks for rating us on iTunes, and thanks for being a distant relative's HBOGO account. <3 <3 <3

Who the hell is Gypsy Danger (Andy) you rightfully ask? The main Jaeger from Pacific Rim. Yes, that ol' rat-fink Andy is holding true to his commitment to piss James off by being only gigantic characters in this season of Battlecast. Dan on the other hand is still picking totally fair and well-balanced characters such as DIABLO (Dan) THE LORD OF ALL THE FEIRY PITS OF HELL AND SUCH.

Surgeon General Warning: Shake well before opening, this episode contains artificial humorings.

Additional Warning: There's a lot of weird porn out there.

<3 <3 <3 Thanks for listening, thanks for telling a friend, thanks for rating us on iTunes, and thanks for being a bassy treble clef. <3 <3 <3

Our names is… Dan-zula, the dice rula, the pants poo-a, you wanna strip, he’ll watch ya do it. Dirklock and he's on lock, research you like a rock (geologically), Andwad, you up next with your hangy-blocks. Andwad make an honest living see, Andwad get a smattering of honeys G, Drivin' in his beemer, lookin’ like a flamer, Watches on his fingers and his toes and he's a Capricorn.

Uh! Check-check it, yeah.

Cause we are the Battle Teens, make the homies say ho and other homies wanna scream! Battle Teen Podcast Squad, Number one in the hood, G. Oh yeah and also James.

Ultron (James) vs. Cthulhu (Andy) in Aqua Teen Hunger Force House

Make sure to butter the pan before you insert the episode, it's time to flip Battlecast!

Warning: Andy is ungrateful.

<3 <3 <3 Thanks for listening, thanks for telling a friend, thanks for rating us on iTunes, and thanks for being a promiscuous Furry. <3 <3 <3

Yaaay! No more crappy 'tween-season filler crap. It's finally here! Season 6 HAS ARRIVENED.

We blast right off into the ethosphere with an episode full of kick-ass ass-kicking and spine-tinglingly droll stories from the Battlecast dudes.

Today's battle is the queen of Metroid-killing, Samus Aran (Dan) vs. the creepiest looking guy in a hockey mask after Alexander Ovechkin (google it), Jason Vorhees (James). Allllll of this goes down in the world famous theme park, Itchy and Scratchy Land!

We fight. We fight. We fight and fight and fight. Fight, fight, fight. Fight, fight, fight. The Battle and Casty shooooooooow.

Warning: No open bar.

Records reset after last season:
Dan 0-0, Andy 0-0, James 0-0

<3 <3 <3 Thanks for listening, thanks for telling a friend, thanks for rating us on iTunes, and thanks for being an intergalactic sex robot. <3 <3 <3

It's that time of the year while between official seasons of Battlecast, we record a bunch of random nonsense and try to run it past you guys as a real episode. We know it doesn't work, but we do it anyway. This week's version of that is ZOOCAST!

We went to the world famous San Diego Zoo and recorded a mishmash of observations with an actual battle in the middle of it. In today's animal themed battle, it's DC's mostly ridiculous Animal Man (Dirk) vs. the main character from the late 90s Transformers spin-off Beast Wars, Optimus Primal (Dan). The battleground is of course, the SD Zoo.

Remember to keep your palms flat as you feed the podcasters their designated feeding pellets. It's time for Zootlecast.
 

Warning: Andy was a Llama in a past life.

<3 <3 <3 Thanks for listening, thanks for telling a friend, thanks for rating us on iTunes, and thanks for being a member of the BC Fambily. <3 <3 <3

It's finally here folks- the super shitty audio we were left with from our live show. due to a series of very Battlecast-eqsue technical difficulties, the listenable audio from our live show was lost in an abyss of dismembered genitalia and Andy's tears. So this will have to do if you wanna get a taste of how our live show went.

It's Captain Planet (Dan) vs. the T1000 robot (Andy) at Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory.

Suck in your gut, there are ladies present- it's time for Battlecast.

Warning: Thanks for coming to our show. Better turn-out than we could have expected.

And as always, thanks for listening, reviewing, and telling a friend about our show. Means more to us than you'd ever know.

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT'S BEEN 5 SEASONS O' THIS?!?

We hardly can, but we are super grateful and honored that you guys have stuck around and shared the gospel of Battlecast with anyone who wouldn't be immediately disgusted by the prolifically phallus-related discussions.

James is coming in hot with 5 characters- Cloud Strife, Agent Smith, Joe Fattone (lol), Dexter, and Scarecrow. Andy's doing aight with Godzilla, Brain (no Pinky), and Sonic the Hedgehog. And Dan... oh Dan. He didn't win a single match this season himself. He's got Mulan. And Maybe Space Ghost.

Grasp the ancient monkey paw betwixt your fingers, but be careful what you wish for; it's time for Battlecast.

Warning: LIVE SHOW IS TOOOOONIGHT

Records after last episode:
Dan 1-5, Andy 3-3, James 5-1

<3 <3 <3 Thanks for listening, thanks for telling a friend, thanks for rating us on iTunes, thanks for buying tickets to our live show on April 9th, and thanks for being a doll. <3 <3 <3

BOOM! DIRKEO!! That's right folks. Everyone's favorite member of Battlecast will be sitting in to fight on Andy's behalf. Our story takes place in the Italian Renaissance where Sonic the Hedgehog (Dirk) engages in mostly mortal combat against the boomstick and chainsaw weilding Ash Williams (Dan) from the Evil Dead and Army of Darkness movies.

Close your eyes and wish to God that the Angels will finally win the pennant- here comes  Battlecast, here comes Battlecast, right down Battlecast Lane.
 

Warning: James is drunk.

Records after last episode:
Dan 1-4, Andy 2-3, James 5-1

<3 <3 <3 Thanks for listening, thanks for telling a friend, thanks for rating us on iTunes, thanks for buying tickets to our live show on April 9th, and thanks for being a doll. <3 <3 <3

We hold absolutely to the fact that if anyone ever gets "fired" from Battlecast, it'll be James. Why? LOOK AT THE FUCKING CHARACTERS HE PICKS OMG WTF?!?

Yes, he also does horrifically moronic stuff that makes for great stories but really? N fucking SYNC? Ok fine. You do you James.

Through the power of music, NSYNC (James) comes out to the setting for Umbrella's T-Virus outbreak from Resident Evil to take on the sorta-blind maniacal madman, Riddick (Andy).

Start inflating, the stewardess will be with you shortly. It's time for Battlecast.
 

Warning: Teenage versions of the BC boys were arguably even sicker. And not like socal sick. Just sick.

Records after last episode:
Dan 1-4, Andy 2-2, James 4-1
 
 
 
 
Enjoy!

We would like to publicly apologize for the fact that every single episode of this show quickly devolves into wiener-jokes. We never intended this to happen, but apparently if you put a few pathetically immature dudes in a room together, eventually they just start talkin' 'bout peens.


Thankfully that's not allll we talk about on this week's episode. We also battle. One of the greatest thing to come out of the 90s, Earthworm Jim, takes on another great child of the 90s, Agent Smith from The Matrix trilogy. Hey and for once we're actually timely on a cultural reference and we're fighting at Coachella 2015. Hooray, us!!

So apply the ointment while we prep the cortizone, it's time for Bonercast. Battleboner. Bonerbattle. Battlecast. Yeah that one.

 

Warning: Prepare to miss Dirk.

Records after last episode:
Dan 1-3, Andy 2-2, James 3-1
 
 
 
 
Enjoy!